Posts Tagged ‘God’
Back with the living. . .
Posted on: November 18, 2010
The surgeon was talking statistics today and asked how old I was. Whenever I say my age out loud, it always surprises me and seems such a strange number. How can I be that old? I am almost a senior citizen, but inside this battle-scarred body I am only 20 and know everything and want everything and think I have a long time ahead to make mistakes and change maps.
He said something about 20 years and explained that the surgery was good and I do not need follow-up radiation. I do not even have to come back to see him as I can now go under the care of the endocrinologist to monitor my thyroid medication and calcium levels. He shakes my hand and smiles and sends me on my way, after a quick snip and a pull to remove stitches. His staff is surprised when I tell her I do not need a follow-up appointment with him. She prints out all the test results to fax to the endocrinologist and when I ask if I can take them to him she says yes. I come home with several pages of facts about my thyroid which is no longer mine but has been cut up and examined and theorized and ended up in the place where bad body parts end up.
This was my 11th surgery. Most of the cut-ups over the years were to remove body parts, some to repair and three C sections to remove babies who are now incredible adults forging their own paths through life.
This one was after several months of tests and painful biopsies and chronic insomnia, face twitches and emotional rollercoaster rides for what seemed like forever. During this time, I was hard to be around. It was stressful for family, friends and coworkers as I twitched and teared up and yawned and ranted. I was more self-absorbed than usual. I was even tired of being around myself so felt sorry for others too.
Last week I finally had the surgery. My eldest son drove me to the hospital, stayed with me for hours before and hours after, soothing me and making me laugh and keeping my ship pointed in the right direction. Today he asked if he could go in with me to see the surgeon. I appreciated that, especially when the news was all good. Instantly all good. After all those months.
Last week while I waited on the bed after they wheeled me to the hallway outside the operating room, I was surprised at how calm I felt. It was not like the previous surgeries, where I was nervous. They did not put in an IV with sedation meds before the surgery like previous times. I was not drowsy and wanting to be under and done. This time was different. I thought about it this morning when I was driving in a snow storm to go to a clinic for blood work at 6:45 am.
I thought about how we go through our lives and the people in them come and go and change is constant. This morning driving in the storm I realized that people change and come and go and surprise you and let you down and you let them down and it goes on and on like that over your life time. There is one constant and only one. The saying about how we enter this world alone and leave it alone is true, except we are not totally alone.
I have had a companion beside me for as long as I can remember. This higher power or spirit entity that is bigger than humans can imagine is God the Father, our Creator. I have felt His presence since I was a young girl. Religions describe Him and categorize Him and have compartmentalized Him, but I just know Him. He is always there. I sometimes move away from Him, but He never moves away from me. He is always there. He walks with me and I feel His presence during the lowest of times and during the most glorious of times. I cry out to Him in frustration and pain and sometimes I just become quiet and sit with Him.
I was calm waiting for surgery because I knew that He had things handled. There were people praying for me and it did not matter whether I stressed or ranted or worried because He was in charge and knew the outcome. He knows the desires of my heart. They are simple and include being around to watch my grandchildren grow up. I think He is giving me the desires of my heart. If it was my time to leave this world, He would give me strength to deal with that and accept it too.
I am not religious. I do not have much faith in organized religions. They are man-made and involve politics and set rules and conflict with each other in many ways. They often condemn and judge. My God is pure love and is constant. He has walked beside me all these years so that I have never been alone.
For months I have had insomnia due to a thyroid covered with cancer lumpies that was not functioning. I drank soothing teas and read books and paced the room and watched movies all night long and dragged myself into work everyday.
Today I was released from it. My family and close friends have put up with me and stood beside me and my constant companion has held me up and carried me through it all. Tonight I will sleep like the dead, because I am now back with the living.
What I have learned by my 8th birthday and after a trip to France:
– It is okay to talk loud, laugh often and argue with those you love.
– Always wishing for Friday and the weekend is a merry-go-round that ends with a whole lot of missing life.
– If no one died because of it, then do not stress over it.
– Walking gets you there slower than driving, but oh, the view and the smells along the way!
– Never think that you are irreplaceable at your job and therefore you must devote your entire life to it. Everyone is replaceable. Everyone.
– Life is not a list of “to do’s”. We DON’T have to always:
> check our work emails after work hours or when on holidays,
> eat dinner right at 5 pm,
> take our shoes off at the door,
> tell kids to say please and thank you constantly and make them hug old people when they don’t want to,
> feel guilty when we read a book instead of scrub the toilet,
> say yes when deep down we want to say no,
> give a reason or excuse when we say no.
We should:
> take time to listen to the sounds of silence;
> take time to breathe in and breathe out and just be;
> get up really early to see the sunrise, smell the morning dew and walk through the grass in our bare feet;
> drive out of the city to a place where there are no lights reflecting in the sky to truly see the stars;
> really listen to the other person instead of planning what we are going to say next;
> go to the bakery early enough to buy a chocolate croissant while it is still warm from the oven;
> thank our Higher Power for every joy and every tear and every person who is part of our life – past, present and future;
> accept change as the reality of life. We do not grow without change;
> always be as kind to ourselves as we try to be to those we love;
> get over it and get on with it;
> be patient. Everything happens when it is supposed to. It may not be in our timing, but our timing is not always the right timing. The wait is always worth it. Always.
> and finally – always trust your gut. When that little voice or second sense or Holy Spirit, or whatever you want to call it, tells you something, listen and be guided, in all things big and small. You will never go wrong.
Life is Choices
Posted on: August 2, 2010
We choose our lives, but sometimes we lose perspective along the way when it becomes too busy with responsibilities and duties and “have to’s”. As the days rush by and turn into months, then years, it can all get away from us. How do we change this? How do we yell “Stop the world, I want to get off!” when we have created such an interwoven web?
I just did stop my world for three glorious weeks, and now that I have returned, I can see how easy it is to fall back into the whirling dervish I have created for myself. I need to work because I require a roof over my head, gas for my car and shoes for my feet. What I don’t need is to be caught up so much in my work that it becomes my life. Before my trip to France, I ate, slept and talked about my job 20 hours a day. I made excuses for not seeing friends and not taking time to read a book or just sit and breath in and out. I lost myself. This has been my pattern for a long time, rushing through life at break-neck speed, trying not to feel my inner emotions and ignoring my body’s desire for relaxation and down time. I would snatch a day, here or there, but always with guilt in my mind that there must be something I should be doing related to my job or other responsibilities.
I do love my job. It is a wonderous thing to be able to say that I get paid to do something that is fun and creative and connected to kids, art and history. Of all my careers through my life, and I have had many, working for the past 44 years, teaching and what I am doing now are the two most rewarding jobs I have ever had. I want to continue, but I want to have balance. Achieving that will be my great challenge and it must be tackled starting the day after tomorrow.
On Tuesday, I will return to a hundred emails, several programs have to be created, advertised and finalized as quickly as possible, a publication needs completion, and I will find out what I have missed in the 3 weeks I was away. The difference from before my trip – I want to stop working at 5 o’clock on Tuesday and every day thereafter. I want to put all my thoughts and energies towards my wee grandchildren who I have not seen for nearly a month, get an outfit and a gift for a wedding next weekend and call several people to set up dinners and visits with over the next couple of weeks. I want to start a series of paintings based on the Doors of Agde. I want to walk everyday. How do I do all this when I work 9 to 5, five days a week?
One way is to remember Paris and Agde. When life starts to drown me I will look at my photos and take myself back to those magical places. Now that I have found my authentic self again, I do not want to lose me. The child in me who delights in taking photos of French doors, moving a fine tip pen over the surface of quality drawing paper and putting my feelings into words through the keyboard does not want to get lost again.
I want to have honest conversations with those I care about and really listen to what they are saying. I want to laugh a lot and hug a lot. I want to be that girl on the swing in the back yard in Marda Loop in Calgary who talked to God and felt her spirit rise above her and look down at herself and her world one afternoon. At this moment I can smell the apple blossoms on the big tree near the back door and feel the warm air on my legs and face as I swing higher and higher. There is no pressure. There is no guilt. There is no regret. There is just a young girl living in the pureness of the moment.
As an adult, I have felt that same pureness of the moment when involved in the creation of a painting or working with clay, mache or stained glass. The right brain world where your creative centre lives, does not judge or over analyze or stress or think too much. It feels and explores, and when in that place, time is forgotten.
That will be my next trip. I am choosing to travel into that place where colors and textures and shapes work together to soothe the soul.
But right now, at this moment, I need a nap. It is all about priorities.
IntrepidWoman's Journey 