Posts Tagged ‘thyroid-cancer’
Back with the living. . .
Posted on: November 18, 2010
The surgeon was talking statistics today and asked how old I was. Whenever I say my age out loud, it always surprises me and seems such a strange number. How can I be that old? I am almost a senior citizen, but inside this battle-scarred body I am only 20 and know everything and want everything and think I have a long time ahead to make mistakes and change maps.
He said something about 20 years and explained that the surgery was good and I do not need follow-up radiation. I do not even have to come back to see him as I can now go under the care of the endocrinologist to monitor my thyroid medication and calcium levels. He shakes my hand and smiles and sends me on my way, after a quick snip and a pull to remove stitches. His staff is surprised when I tell her I do not need a follow-up appointment with him. She prints out all the test results to fax to the endocrinologist and when I ask if I can take them to him she says yes. I come home with several pages of facts about my thyroid which is no longer mine but has been cut up and examined and theorized and ended up in the place where bad body parts end up.
This was my 11th surgery. Most of the cut-ups over the years were to remove body parts, some to repair and three C sections to remove babies who are now incredible adults forging their own paths through life.
This one was after several months of tests and painful biopsies and chronic insomnia, face twitches and emotional rollercoaster rides for what seemed like forever. During this time, I was hard to be around. It was stressful for family, friends and coworkers as I twitched and teared up and yawned and ranted. I was more self-absorbed than usual. I was even tired of being around myself so felt sorry for others too.
Last week I finally had the surgery. My eldest son drove me to the hospital, stayed with me for hours before and hours after, soothing me and making me laugh and keeping my ship pointed in the right direction. Today he asked if he could go in with me to see the surgeon. I appreciated that, especially when the news was all good. Instantly all good. After all those months.
Last week while I waited on the bed after they wheeled me to the hallway outside the operating room, I was surprised at how calm I felt. It was not like the previous surgeries, where I was nervous. They did not put in an IV with sedation meds before the surgery like previous times. I was not drowsy and wanting to be under and done. This time was different. I thought about it this morning when I was driving in a snow storm to go to a clinic for blood work at 6:45 am.
I thought about how we go through our lives and the people in them come and go and change is constant. This morning driving in the storm I realized that people change and come and go and surprise you and let you down and you let them down and it goes on and on like that over your life time. There is one constant and only one. The saying about how we enter this world alone and leave it alone is true, except we are not totally alone.
I have had a companion beside me for as long as I can remember. This higher power or spirit entity that is bigger than humans can imagine is God the Father, our Creator. I have felt His presence since I was a young girl. Religions describe Him and categorize Him and have compartmentalized Him, but I just know Him. He is always there. I sometimes move away from Him, but He never moves away from me. He is always there. He walks with me and I feel His presence during the lowest of times and during the most glorious of times. I cry out to Him in frustration and pain and sometimes I just become quiet and sit with Him.
I was calm waiting for surgery because I knew that He had things handled. There were people praying for me and it did not matter whether I stressed or ranted or worried because He was in charge and knew the outcome. He knows the desires of my heart. They are simple and include being around to watch my grandchildren grow up. I think He is giving me the desires of my heart. If it was my time to leave this world, He would give me strength to deal with that and accept it too.
I am not religious. I do not have much faith in organized religions. They are man-made and involve politics and set rules and conflict with each other in many ways. They often condemn and judge. My God is pure love and is constant. He has walked beside me all these years so that I have never been alone.
For months I have had insomnia due to a thyroid covered with cancer lumpies that was not functioning. I drank soothing teas and read books and paced the room and watched movies all night long and dragged myself into work everyday.
Today I was released from it. My family and close friends have put up with me and stood beside me and my constant companion has held me up and carried me through it all. Tonight I will sleep like the dead, because I am now back with the living.
Dumb and Dumber . . .
Posted on: August 25, 2010
Why is it that when we know what we know, we still do dumb things, as if we did not know?
If I have been there before and did not like it, why would I go back there again?
Sometimes I say it and mean it and wish it but obviously did not mean it!
Even when it is really important, with life depending on it, why can I not do it for the sake of others if I cannot do it for my own sake…
It is tiring learning the same lesson over and over again. That means I am not learning the lesson. . .
Free will has a lot of flaws when you are only human.
Contemplating life just hurts my head sometimes!
Time marches on, but some days we only limp along.
Tomorrow is another day and for that I say, “Hurray!”
~~~~
“Wednesday is the middle, I’m glad it’s not the end.
I want it to be Thursday, ’cause Wednesday’s not my friend.
This week is much too busy, I want to push time back,
But then I’d have to face it over and that would truly suck!
It’s not over ’til it’s over . . . sang the fat lady with glee;
When it’s over I’ll be happy because it sucks to be me!
Only today of course, I don’t mean that all the time,
But today I’d give it all away, just offer me a dime!”
(Written before my appointment at the Women’s Imaging Centre in Calgary where I had 10 needles in my neck – 4 for freezing and 6 for biopsies on growths in my thyroid. Intrepid Woman is glad THIS day is over!)
Time marches on . . .
Posted on: August 10, 2010
Time marches on, with or without my approval. Ten days have gone by since my return from Agde and it seems more like a month. The good news, to me, is that I am a different person since returning and that has not gone away. The travel experience did change me and in my humble opinion, for the better.
Strangely, I feel less materialistic now. “Things” do not seem so important. I want to simplify even more than I did when I moved here last year. I feel surrounded by clutter and it uses up oxygen. I need a simpler, brighter space that includes an area to create.
It is hard to give notice to my landlords though. It will be difficult for them to find a new renter with the place currently for sale. They are a nice young couple and it is quiet out here on the ranch, but being in a basement without a lot of direct light is not working for me anymore. I liked it originally when I wanted/needed a safe haven to come home to, but now I want sunshine and large windows and fresh air.
My main dilemma is that nothing is happening with my church in the Pass. Real estate has come to a standstill there. I am looking at another winter of owning the building there and renting here. I guess I will have to make it my winter project to paint some rooms there and work on the basement to improve the building. It would be more preferable to get it sold and find a light, bright place to live in here, but I have no control over the when of this.
Ah, but there is a reason for everything and there is right timing for all things. One of my best lessons in life has been one of patience because it is all in the timing. The right people will come along to buy my building when my next place becomes available, and moving will be another tiring but exciting adventure. In the meantime, I will enjoy my trips to the Pass, my little getaway where I can soak up the sun, summer and winter, play my music at rock concert level and enjoy the always fresh mountain air. My art supplies are organized in a large tackle box to go back and forth when I have my days off to go there to play.
I received a ‘proof’ of the Okotoks fall community guide today and found several classes to sign up for, including learning French!
I also have an idea for a book using my door photos and I want to start creating some Christmas gifts. Life is good and my creative side is ready to play on a regular basis. I did not check work emails after hours even once during the last ten days and that felt so good! I work hard when at work, but work on not thinking about my job once I am on “Jan time” after 5. Each day it gets easier to do this.
In a few hours it will be my birthday, again. They seem to be getting closer together! This year I am marking the day with an appointment at the Foothills Hospital in the morning to deal with the lumpies in my thyroid. I have requested hotdogs on the grill for supper at Carmen and Jim’s, and Michael is picking out a cake for me. Last year it was cupcakes shaped like a very green dinosaur and it was delightful. He was so excited to show it to me, so I cannot wait to share his and Laura’s enthusiasm when I arrive tomorrow evening.
I need to think of something to do in the afternoon – maybe the zoo or Heritage Park or . . .
I will give it some thought tomorrow when I get up. I had better get to bed now as I am going to be a whole year older in 15 minutes, which means I definitely need my beauty sleep tonight. In my dreams . . .
IntrepidWoman's Journey 